Will I get to see the light?

Life out there is scary. I’m 3 years graduate already and I’ve been to 4 jobs, all didn’t last for a regularization. I’m jobless most of the year than I’m in a job. I didn’t know what to pursue, I’ve blamed everything around me and for what I’ve become; jumping from one hobby to another, not lasting a year. Even when I had my previous relationships I’d jump from one guy to another. For 8 years I had more than 15 guys around me; just a hobby I would like to try but not continue for long. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t proud of it, I loathed myself so much for it yet amazingly I found my other half after all those years – and happily married to him. It was the time I stopped running around the bushes hiding from God and learned what He wants me to do. Just like that I would always tell myself that I’d find that work I’d hang on to and be in love with all the stress.

I didn’t mean to wait for 8 years, though some would go through waiting waaaaay more than that as well. We could be in the same shoes, different age but same problem. Where do we go from here? I was a BS Psychology graduate and I took that up for personal issues and intentions. I liked how it offered multiple jobs to different industries! I got choices! But none of which I truly loved. I tried but never lasted, self-studied but I just let it hang, imagined but never a reality. I always wondered what if I ended up taking a different course and even more what was I good at. I always ask myself my best qualities and my worst and would end up, “Where do I go from here?” Again. I was financially sustained that’s why the rush never came in me, I just knew my parents would be there for me whenever. But I was always at my lowest, seeing how most of my batchmates from elementary, highschool, and college happens to be where they wanted to be and I was even grade conscious despite my absences yet I came running last. I don’t even know who to talk to coz everyone seemed to unrecognize my agony.

I always talked to God, asked Him where He wants to lead me and where does He wants me to go. Preachings have strucked me multiple times and so I’d try again with what I thought He wants me to be. There were times when I knew this is it but I’d fall into trials and never make it back. There was one thing I knew I was really really good at, but I was always afraid to take that leap of faith and then asks myself, “Where do I go if not here?” I listened but never learned from Him still.

Today, after 5 months feeling nowhere to go again – for the nth time, I found another will to do what I could be great at. I can’t say that this is it, but after a long time of hiding again I found myself and my heart searching for His answers through learning what I always wanted to do. It’s scary out there with all the competitions going on. A lot younger people and experienced job seekers would compete me and I am just starting up. Still, I should never lose hope if I’ll be doing it for God and for myself, I’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It could be longer for you or shorter, but I just wanna say you’ll get there as well. Trust God. Always.

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