What I could’ve missed

I could’ve missed the sunrise when I wake up, the morning breeze that would pass through my window.

I could’ve missed the morning and goodbye kisses from my husband as he goes off to work; the breakfast we’d share, and the coffee that I love.

I could’ve missed the chats from my mom, my brothers, my dad, my friends, and my relatives. We’d talk for a while, laugh at silly jokes, and would ask when we’d see again.

I could’ve missed the books I’ll pass by and buy because I know it’ll be a good read, my favorite foods and drinks, and the coziness my bed has to offer.

I could’ve missed the Dr. Fishes in that hot spring and the happiness from the old man who was able to walk under water even he was diagnosed that he can’t walk anymore.

I could’ve missed the movies and tv episodes that I enjoyed watching now.

I could’ve missed the sunset and the time I’m counting ’til my husband comes home from a tiring day at work, the dinner we’d share and sometimes the midnight snack we love to binge on.

I could’ve missed the smile of the people around me and the cheer they’d do for me as I continue on my life. I could’ve missed the love I am getting from them.

I could be in a better place by now, I’ll be at peace. I could be in comfort with the Lord by now. Emptiness, darkness, unexplainable heaviness, it could be over by now.

I chose death, but God has a plan for me. Yes, the toughest journey will end but what about the loved ones that I could have left. They’d be devastated, they’d spend their first holidays, first birthdays, marriage, first born babies without me and they’d long that I should’ve been there. They’ll keep wondering why. They’ll keep asking if they could have done something for me, to keep me from taking my life away. And God knows what but they could end up depressed as well due to post traumatic stress. I know what you’ll say that they’ll just realize everything when it’s over when you’re dead. It’s difficult right? But you’re not alone.

God chose life for me, He always chooses life for me. He kept me alive, He made me see that I am loved not just for a day but for a lifetime.

Depression coming from anything isn’t something easy. I know, and you’re not alone. I’m still fighting for it but instead of choosing darkness I chose life now. I chose to live for myself, for God who continuously breathing life in me. We’re given this path for a reason and I know how painful to hear that and not knowing the reason why. But please continue to fight on. Continue the battle. Whether you’re suicidal or you’ve committed suicide as well and you’ve tried a lot to stop the madness in your mind, know that I am praying for you and for your future. You’re not alone.

I could’ve missed everything, but I’m still here experiencing things I never imagined. There are dark times and it’s really bad when it comes, but focus on the good times even it’s just a few good times. Focus on breathing. I love you and you will always be loved.

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